apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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