if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
