Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
