You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
