16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It was confusing and full of hummus
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
