Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
