Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You're like the curious george of whores
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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