@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
