I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize