i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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