He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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