I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
