Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
