best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize