Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize