She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
