I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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