just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
