I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
