Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize