I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize