Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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