I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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