Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
