i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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