Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize