he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
