i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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