guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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