Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
