I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
