I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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