i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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