So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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