420 ftw
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
