Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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