help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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