My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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