we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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