If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
