Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dicks are not precious.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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