for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
