she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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