i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize