she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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