How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
