history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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