I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
