remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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