On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
