Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
