remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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