Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
