Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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