Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
