He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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