So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize