I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
