I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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