Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
