I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
True strength comes from lack of pants
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
