woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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