I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
