also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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