I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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