She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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